Gabe Woods

Biography

Gabe Woods was raised by a pack of nomadic lesbians and the cryogenically preserved genetic code of legendary Australian rugby league player Ian Roberts. Roberts stands 196cm. Gabe stands 185cm. The shortfall has never been publicly addressed.

Gabe is the only homosexual man on earth to have completed the twelve impossible tasks of the gay underworld, otherwise known as growing up in Western Sydney. These include navigating the Labyrinth of Parklea Markets and reaching the summit of Mount Druitt, which no other gay man has done. All twelve were completed before his fourteenth birthday. Gabe completed every NIDA course by sixteen. His reunion with his matrilineal family came shortly after. Kylie Minogue is, to this day, his aunty.

He can reverse park and sometimes do maths. He is also vers, like actually. His beard is water repellent to an IP7 rating, and several critically endangered homosexual animal species, along with a number of migratory gay ones, nest exclusively in his biceps. Gabe has four gold medals from the Gay Olympics, in the cool sports everyone watches when the Olympics are on, like archery and the gymnastics. He is a black belt in karate. His personal sparring style informed several Matrix fight scenes.

His philanthropic generosity is well documented, most of it directed to the Gabe Conservation Fund. As a homosexual man in Sydney he has an innate sense for what can be used as a gogo podium, and for its structural homosexual load rating. Like Superman he is invulnerable to physical harm, but is emotionally traumatised by discussion of heterosexual sporting achievement and by films that comprehensively fail the Bechdel test. He can be destroyed only by being cast into the flames of Mount Doom.

Singing, dancing, lumberjacking, comedy, chest hair, being extremely hot, modelling: he is one of those annoying people who is good at all of it. You should book him for your next event or collaboration.

Gabe is the fourth Hemsworth brother, but signed a non-disclosure agreement, so nobody can tell anyone about it. His ass is under consideration for National Living Treasure status and is in three separate exhibitions, which is true. He has been the actual devil, which is also true.

At the Bondi Beach Party he burnt his ass hair in a pyrotechnic exclusion zone, on stage, dancing in front of Sophie Ellis-Bextor. He has gogo-danced for Mel C at Poof Doof and for AlunaGeorge at Heaps Gay Wet Dreams, among others. You have probably seen him at a club, out of breath and lustrous from exertion, saying hello to absolutely everyone, in a nice, cool way, because he was badly bullied at school and is terrified that someone might not feel welcome.

Australia's largest jockstrap collection is his. So is a hand-raised flock of attack lorikeets, summonable at any time. He lives in Sydney with his partner and many exhausted friends, and is a dungeon master once a month. By all accounts he is also a really nice bloke.

Whatever you are hosting, be it an event, music video, television programme, podcast or Yahtzee convention, if it requires an injection of raw homosexual presence that makes men and women blush, he is available. He is also there to be entertaining, and to have outrageously good chest hair and a really nice bum. His mum said so.